When Your Ears Get Hairy

God has little ways of hinting at you that your time on earth is running out. Little subtle ways. Tiny nuisances that say, you’ve been pretty arrogant up till now, but let me show you this. It’s just a little thing. But it will cause you to think, why? What’s happening? I know you won’t like it.

       That’s why I (God) am doing it to you. I’ll put hair in your ears. Your ears get hairy.



       I’m growing fur in my ears. This is not right. When I was a gorgeous teenager….no I take that back, I was pretty ugly as a teenager. I had pimples. When I was a gorgeous twenty five year old with the body of a Greek god, I never had hair growing out of my ears.

       Hair has fallen off my head. I have a bald spot I never used to have. That’s okay; I can still grow enough hair around the bald spot to comb over it and not completely successfully hide it. When I’m around attractive women, I simply avoid standing with my back to them so they can see the bald spot. I also don’t stand to the side of them. They would see I have hairy ears.

       Why am I growing friggin’ hair out of my ears? Did my body tell itself, okay, I can’t grow as much on the top of your head (bald spot) like I used to, so I’ll grow it somewhere else where it’s a pathetic ugly reminder of faded glory.

       My ears have also changed in shape. They now look like two limp overage bananas. The kind that turn black before you throw them in the garbage.

       It used to be I ignored my ears. I heard sounds out of them, but aesthetically, they were not something I had a strong opinion about attractive-wise. They were just there, two flaps of skin. Hardly noticed. Like toenails.    

       Who gets excited about toenails? Nobody. Toenails, like ears, are not in the high end real estate of your body, not the parts in which you have a major romantic or selfish psychological investment. The important body parts, the really big ones, I’ll list in order of importance.

       Eyes, nose, and penis. The Big Three!

       Who wants an ugly nose? Who wants a small penis?

       Ears! Unlike the eyes, the nose and the penis, everybody’s ears look about the same. Ears are an equal opportunity anatomy. Except now mine are growing hair.

       This is God’s way of telling me, you’ve had it pretty much your own way for awhile. I’ll bring you down a notch. Remember how you used to stare at yourself in the mirror rapturously and say to yourself, god I’m beautiful. You used my name in vain. I’ll show you. Here! Have some hair.

       I look in the mirror and say, god I don’t like this. I’m still using his name in vain. I take a razor and shave my ears. I’m fighting back. Of course, shaving has the impact of causing the hair to grow faster. If I go out on a hot date I’ll make sure to shave my ears. If I spend the night with someone, that way in the morning, all she will see is stubble (in my ears).

       I know I’m mortal. Time and life are passing. But I’m not going to give in. I know in the end I’ll lose (get old). And I don’t like to think it’s a struggle between me and God. But it is.

       After all, why do women have face lifts? To deny reality.

       I can fight back. I can shave and pluck. This is my little way of telling God, you’ll have to do better than that.

       Unfortunately for me, he eventually will.

3 Responses to “When Your Ears Get Hairy”

  1. james says:

    next time you look in the mirror and have a conversation with god thank for the positive aspects of your life. im not religious but I do believe in being thankful, and if your mind is filled with problems like “my ears are hairy” instead of “where am I sleeping tonight” for example; you should be happy to be alive. I can somewhat relate to how you feel about the bald spot, im only 23 but find myself always worried ive got snot in my nose around pretty girls. my advice on that subject is that alot of girls are so self conscious and worried about thier own appearance that they could care less about common flaws. And from my experience a girl would rather have a guy that worries about her happyness and maintaining a sucessful life than his appearance. if she has a prob with your image she will tell you, or if she leaves u because of some extra hair or lack of hair your better off without her. thats what we do as men we grow hair and lose it and you should never apologize for something natural.

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