The Rosy Side of Armageddon

Okay! We all know that sooner or later, there’s going to be a nuclear war. It’s not a question of “if,” just “when?”

How many countries have nuclear capability? Maybe 30. In ten years, there will be 60 countries with the bomb, some of them rogue states so crazy they believe Bart Simpson’s a real person.

Next week or next month or next year, some lunatic is going to push the red button.

But will the aftermath be all bad. Nothing is all bad.

Take global warming. Liberals say it’s real and it’s bad, while conservatives deny it. Let’s assume the liberal position, that global warming is all man’s fault (even though there have been eons of warming and cooling periods before people walked the earth).

There’s probably a good side to global warming, along with the bad. I can’t think of what it is, but there must be. Oh I know, if the polar icecaps melt, sure, our cities will flood, but think of the salmon run with all that extra water.

It will be the best salmon fishing in 3,000 years.

Here is a list of the after-benefits of a nuclear exchange (to those of us left walking around):

People will glow from nuclear radioactive fallout. You’ll be able to see where you’re headed at night without street lamps.

Women will have to go back to being women. They’ll have to lug water and build fires, just like in the old cave days. No more mean-spirited, anorexic, diet-pill-popping female executives with briefcases and cell phones trying to be more disagreeable than men. Perhaps the best part, since a substantial segment of the earth’s population will have been wiped out, it will be the woman’s primary role to help repopulate it.

I hope I’m around to reap the benefits of this.

There will be no MTV (this can only be a positive).

Athletics and most popular sports will be ended, as people will be too busy just trying to survive. Athletes, for the first time in their lives, will have to do an honest day’s work.

Rosie O’Donnell will be silenced.

Future wars will be more honest. The antagonists will have to throw rocks at each other rather than fooling with nasty chemicals.

Ties will be abolished as fashion wear for men. A simple cowhide jockstrap will do.

Future distortions and posturing by the president during the annual State of the Union message will cease. People will know the state of the union without some dishonest dork telling them about it.

Illegal immigration by Third World peoples to westernized urban centers will terminate. Turnaround is fair play. The flow will go the other way, former middle class and rich whites immigrating to what were formerly poor Third World countries, to get farther away from where the bombs hit.

Roses will proliferate. Roses are beautiful, but perverse. They grow well in smog, and I have a feeling nuclear dust will help them too. Fields of roses. Just think!

Synthetic processed foods will be unavailable. People will have to go back to eating whole grains. Teeth will become stronger, which means no more visits to the dentist, and an end to the bill your insurance company always refuses to pay.

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