The Pros and Cons of Spontaneous Human Combustion

Spontaneous human combustion is the inexplicable catching fire or blowing up of a living human being for mysterious reasons. There are reportedly 200 cases of people who for no apparent reason, caught fire. Think of it, you’re walking down the street and suddenly….BLAM!
It gives a whole new meaning to the phrases, “I’m getting a little bit burned (mad) over this,” or, “this is liable to blow up in your face,” or the popular NASA space shuttle phrase, “we have liftoff!”
What are the possible reasons some people have done as the old 1960s Doors’ song suggested, “Light my Fire?”
Cigarettes are often seen as the possible ignition source for your body catching fire, but ashes from a cigarette could hardly result in your hair becoming a torch. One possibility is known as the “wick effect.” A cigarette burns an opening in your skin that then ignites body fats, which turns you into a giant candle.
Another possibility is methane gas. Some of us have more than others. When we were kids some of us were sort of on the kinky side (not me) and tried the unusual and somewhat perverted stunt of breaking (bowel) wind before a lighted match. There are very few reported cases of children blowing up as they have smaller bodies and less gas, and thus might be compared to a BIC lighter in that way.
A small flame out your rear is all you’ll get if you’re a kid. And as always I caution children, don’t try this at home!
What about adults?
Human fat does indeed burn. If that’s the case, then obesity is more serious than just a mere heart attack or the development of diabetes.
I don’t mean to sound unkind, but let’s assume you’re akin to a hog, a person with gross disgusting habits. You overeat and you’re filthy and you’ve got 700 percent more body fat than is recommended. You go to a Mexican restaurant and order 12 enchiladas, then wash it all down with tequila. You go outside and light a cigar. You belch and a 25-foot blue flame roars out of your ass. You run down the street screaming, looking like a jet car on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Don’t expect any help from bystanders. In fairness, human nature being what it is, they’re too busy laughing. You run into an alley and disappear and a second later there’s an explosion and a purple mushroom cloud rises overhead. You’ve become a statistic.
That’s a con.
What are the pros?
You can use this talent to scare the hell out of your mother-in-law. Just sit on the sofa next to the old bat and tell her you’re going to do a controlled burn. Look at the look on her face. Of course, putting the fire out before it can cause serious harm is paramount. Have a fire extinguisher nearby. Your mother-in-law will never come to visit you again.
That’s a pro.
You can also use this skill at the next July 4th celebration to impress your boss and to gain a guest spot on the Letterman Show. But once again, remember, if you wait too long, you could self-cremate. That’s a con.
I have my own theory why spontaneous human combustion happens. Terrorists are injecting mouse droppings and fluorides in our flour supplies. When we eat the flour it produces a gas I will label “Quiszetntial 12.” The production of this paranormal gaseous substance then causes arteries to implode which results in a fuse-like hissing sound that in turn sets off a chain reaction that in turn causes toxic farting gas that only needs an ignition spark.
Have you ever seen a mouse standing still? That’s why. They have to keep moving or blow up. I call for a Congressional investigation into the dangers of stomach gases of mass destruction carried by potential human time bombs. When it comes to knowing about stinking, harmful hot gases emanating from the body, our elected officials should be experts.
Copyright 2011 Sammonsays.

One Response to “The Pros and Cons of Spontaneous Human Combustion”

  1. Rinaoktavia says:

    OK, It’s been a day, so I’m going to end this. Meagan and Bree, you both win a cheeseburger from Steak ‘n Shake, cointarulatnogs. Note that vegetarians are free to give it to whomever they want; please let me know where you’d like it sent.

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