Here are some poker dreck tips on how you can shamefully and with great pettiness; malice and greed, cheat at cards by that most cheap shot of all—-distracting your opponent.
Despicable right? Hey get a clue. If the Bronze Age (I’m a reincarnation of Ulysses) was the Age of Heroes, the current Donald Trump Age is the Age of Cheaters. Politicians lie us into wars, baseball players take steroid milkshakes and then deny they knew—all to set records and make money.
If you play poker, you can too.
Rule number one. Dress poorly, like you bought your clothes at Kmart. Don’t come looking successful or rich. Make sure that tacky polyester ill-fitting short-sleeve shirt you wear is missing a button and has plenty of stains. This will unnerve your opponent, who using reverse psychology, will assume you’re the richest most successful poker player in the world—and trying to hide it.
As you peruse a newly dealt hand, slyly and in a sinister smug voice repeat out loud to yourself, “that’s very nice to know. Very nice to know.” Say this over and over, until you see beads of sweat appearing on the grimacing face of your opponent. He won’t be able to stand this torture, or concentrate on his playing.
Consistently look back over your shoulder as though you’re cheating by gazing at a hidden mirror on the wall (revealing your opponent’s hand). He’ll complain loudly, get up and look for the mirror. It won’t be there. While he is searching the wall, you can unload the aces you’re carrying under the table between your toes.
More poker cheating.
If you’re on a losing streak, you can break up the game and your opponents’ concentration by moaning about your poverty, your wife’s threadbare clothing, your children’s lack of food and overall destitution. Cry softly. It’s okay to let slime drip from your mouth while doing it. Your opponent will either get disgusted and hurry the game to be rid of you, blowing his concentration and his pot, or if he’s one of those rare generous types, give you some chips.
This is survival, right? Groveling is okay too.
Mention off-handedly the names of mafia dons still out of jail in a manner that would indicate you’re their relative. For example, “yeah my uncle Tony the Torpedo Cannanzo told me if I ever suspected somebody of cheating me at cards, to just let him know and he’d take care of it.”
This will give your opponent second thoughts about the price of winning.
Additional poker dreck.
Be superstitious, but act like you’re not. “This gold banana on a silver chain that I have around my neck I’ve never worn and lost a hand. Course I don’t believe in that stuff.”
“Never worn and lost a hand?”
It doesn’t quite make sense. Your opponent will spend the rest of the game trying to figure out what the hell you meant, not concentrating.
If you’re not skillful or intelligent enough to use the above techniques, simple irritants will do. Munching potato chips loudly, farting many times, mumbling or gnashing your teeth are often just as effective. Also, scraping your fingernails across a rough surface doesn’t just make people cringe near a schoolroom blackboard.
If all else fails, flash a phony badge, scoop up the pot and tell your opponent you’re from the vice squad, that he’s on report, that you’ll get back to him, and stomp out with the winnings.