The following is an unauthorized, impermissible interview with Lindsay Lohan’s subconscious, done without her knowledge.
Me – Miss Lohan. Nice to meet you. I heard that you took a small walk-on part as a gun-wielding nude nun in the film “Machete.” Is this a breakout role for you?
Lohan – No. I’ve taken off my clothes before.
Me – I see. Well, people were surprised because the part offers very little dialog, and that after your recent legal troubles you were anxious to prove to your fans that you could act.
Lohan – Who told you that?
Me – You did.
Lohan – I did?
Me – Yes.
Lohan – Where?
Me – In a magazine article. Vanity Fair. You said ‘I don’t give a damn what anybody says, I know I’m a damn good actress.’
Lohan – I said that?
Me – Yes. See? (handing her the magazine article).
Lohan – I don’t remember. But I must have said it. It’s true. I’m a damn good actress.”
Me – Is that why you chose the role of the nude nun, to prove you can take a worthless role in an obscene exploitive sex movie and turn it into something.
Lohan – No. I wanted to do something religious. I’m a very religious person. You see, cute nuns used to be popular.
Me – I know. Then there were singing nuns. Sally Field was a flying nun. This will make you the first nude nun.
Lohan – I want to share my gifts with the public.
Me – Yes.
Lohan – I’m very excited about this role.
Me – But, how do you handle your critics?
Lohan – I have critics?
Me – Well, yes. They say that your career is in trouble so you resort to grandstanding to get headlines and remain in the public eye, you know, baring your body and all the rest.
Lohan – Yeah, those are the same morons that said I over-acted in The Parent Trap. They called me the poor man’s Haley Mills. Some old broad who was in the first Parent Trap way back in your day. I’d like anybody to try and do what I do, to film a scene where you have to show your gorgeous assets in a three- way orgy scene between the lead actor who has bad breath and the woman who plays my incestuous mother. I’d like to see you do it.
Me – You’re right. I don’t think I could.
Lohan – I do it for the sake of art. To advance civilization. To break new ground in the entertainment field.
Me – I don’t know. Incest is pretty old.
Lohan – Huh?
Me – They were doing incest stories in Greek tragedies in the fifth century B.C.
Lohan – That was a long time ago?
Me – Yeah.
Lohan – Well I’m bringing it back.
Me – I wish you all the luck in your fabulous career. What if any are your future plans?
Lohan – I’m terribly excited about a new movie that I just signed to do. A nude musical extravaganza where the parts will all be sung in rhyme.
Me – Interesting. What is the story about?
Lohan – The Manson Family.
Me – Manson?
Lohan – Yes. Justin Bieber has already been signed for the part of Charles Manson. Isn’t that cool?
Me – A musical about the Manson Family?
Lohan – Yes.
Me – I’m sure we can’t wait for that one to come out.
Lohan – Yes I’m lucky. I love what I do.