I’m a Russian Jew

Reader’s Note: Up-and-coming Los Angeles-based comedian Sasha King ran an ad on Craigslist calling for a comedy writer to supply him with material for a standup routine. I answered the call and submitted the (abridged) material below. As happens a lot on Craigslist job ads, King was emailed the material and I never heard from him again.
So I’m submitting this anyway. King’s comic style seems somewhat raunchy in making fun of his Jewish and Russian heritage. I’m not Russian or Jewish, so if you’re Russian, or Israeli, or Jewish, and are offended at the material below, I apologize. I promise I will soon do a piece on my own hopeless heritage, that of a drunken Irish Mick.
By, the way, I’m submitting this material here on the Internet without King’s approval or knowledge. In other words, I’m building his comedy career whether he likes it or not. It’s kind of like rape, only in this case it would be called, “forcible resort to comedy routine.”
I hope Sasha and you the reader like it.
I’m a Russian Jew
My name is Sasha, and I’m Russian and Jewish. You think that’s easy? Being Russian means you want to drink yourself blind with vodka, but then feel guilty about it because you’re a Jew. Wanting to do things naughty, that’s the Russian part, feeling bad later about having done it, that’s the Jewish part.
Being a Russian Jew means you’re sadomasochistic to yourself. You can’t figure out which half of you should be mean to the other half, so the other half can enjoy the exquisite pleasure of it. Being a Russian Jew, you really have to enjoy pain. I mean, have you ever heard of anything pleasurable happening to either the Jews or the Russians?
The Russians massacred, hanged, shot and starved themselves in Siberia, then got massacred by the Germans and created a slave empire so they can share a filthy run-down apartment shared by 15 families all belching and cutting farts while it’s 50 below zero outside as they watch one old fu.’ked up black and white TV set with a bogus show on telling how well off they are.
If you’re Russian you have to use both sides of a piece of toilet paper because your pathetic excuse for a store in Moscow ran out and even if they didn’t, you don’t have the rubles to buy some.
The Jews got their little kingdom, a miserable patch of desert in Sinai where the only crops they can grow are seawater irrigated jo jo beans used in the production of Vasaline sex wax, and where they fight a 700-year war against the Palestinians who for some reason object to their new status as sub-humans.
But that’s all history. What we all want is to avoid getting screwed, while getting screwed. Let me explain. How do we pick up chicks?
The Russian part of you wants to advertise yourself as a male order bride on Youtube so you can marry some American sucker and gain permanent residency here in the U.S. and move to Las Vegas. The Jewish part of you wants to move to Beverly Hills, make money and subconsciously get back at your straight-laced, domineering mother.
Maybe you’re perverted. Maybe people don’t understand your kind of love. Your guilt. Your need for guilt. Your need for punishment. Maybe you want a chick to strap on a dildo and sodomize you.
But can she also cook? Is she a good dancer? These things are also important.
I’m not saying I want to do that, the dildo.
(Point to someone in the audience). You may want to do that. It’s okay with me. You’re just reflecting the psychological strain of your parents’ failure to recognize your unique qualities and the double standard hierarchy they inflicted on you, and exiling you to a separate bedroom as a child where they surgically cut your reassuring connection to the womb.
Being Russian means you want to fall completely apart like the country did so that you’re much smaller than you were last week. Being Jewish means you enjoy being smaller, but claim you don’t really want to be later.
So! How do we pick up chicks?
Go to a cheap bar. It has to be cheap. The more cheap, the more sordid, the more exciting will be the sleazy act of uncontrollable animalistic lust you have in mind.
If you’re Jewish, you might want a big-breasted blonde who would look good in boots and a whip. If you’re Russian, you might already be those things.
There are ways you tell if a hot chick is turned on by Jews. Get close to her ear at the bar and sniff in lustily.
“Do I look Jewish?” ask her.
Or, ask her. “Have you seen my Kibbutz Yeshiva 3-Day War with Egypt Gold Medal? I seem to have lost it.”
If she reacts with hostility, tell her you’re a rich plastic surgeon. This will save your ass. All women want to know one.
Or, maybe she’s into Russians. Ask her, “want to come up and see my samovar?”
What you do with her at your apartment depends on whether you want to be Russian or Jewish. If you’re Russian, you may want to get naked and play the balalaika. If you’re Jewish, you may do so and then feel remorse later. It’s physically (pardon the pun), up to you.
One last note: After sex find out if she has a steady job and might be able to support you if your low opinion of yourself because you’re Russian and Jewish proves well-founded.

Copyright 2011 Sammonsays.



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