Hosni Mubarak in Cairo receives a call from Obama.
Obama – Hosni
Mubarak – Yes
Obama – This is President Obama. I’ve been calling for an hour. Where were you?
Mubarak – In my bedroom. I can’t bear to watch.
Obama – Why aren’t you establishing control? Are you following events?
Mubarak – Oh yes. I’ve been watching FOX News.
Obama – That’s outrageous. From now on, watch CNN.
Mubarak – Okay.
Obama – You’ve got to do something. Tell the people what they want to hear.
Mubarak – I won’t quit my job and you can’t make me.
Obama – I didn’t say that. Just make promises. Talk about a better economy coming. That’s what I do.
Mubarak – My own son Gamal quit, then el-sharif quit his job. They were more corrupt than me. But the people want more. What else do they want from me? I’m an old man. Why are they tormenting me?
Obama – They want freedom and prosperity. You’ve always prevented it, but haven’t I been patient with you and let you stand in the way of those things? Didn’t I give you backing any way? Haven’t I stood by you? Didn’t I always give you everything? This is making us look bad, because I have to stick up for you because I give you millions. The people get it in their heads that the US backs ruthless dictators for no other reason than they’re friendly to us and that our talk about freedom and democracy doesn’t mean a tinker’s damn.
Mubarak – Sir. I have to insist. You have no right to talk to me like that.
Obama – You listen to me. I’m not just the president of the United States. I’m the president of the world, except for North Korea. I’m your boss. You’d be nothing without me. I made you what you are. I give you millions every year. And what do we get back in return? You didn’t attack Israel. Thanks a lot for nothing. It’s little payback.
Mubarak – Yes sir.
Obama – Look out a window.
Mubarak – Okay.
Obama – What do you see?
Mubarak – A lot of angry, unemployed people.
Obama – No! What else.
Mubarak – A tank.
Obama – That’s right. And what kind of tank?
Mubarak – American tank.
Obama – You’re catching on! That’s right. A tank. Made in the USA after shipping in the parts made by Chinese laborers from jobs we shipped over there. You get this straight. I’m your boss.
Mubarak – Yes.
Obama – I’m leader of the free world. All of it. We reward you just like we did with Saddam Hussein until we pulled the plug on him, and you could wind up the same way. We’ve always considered you a friendly dictator. Don’t push your luck. Who do you think you are, Cheops the Pharaoh? Why don’t you just ask the protestors to give up and go make mud bricks for your Sphinx?
Mubarak – I don’t think they would.
Obama – I’m being facetious.
Mubarak – Sir, I have to protest this tone because….
Obama – Forget it. You’re too far gone. We need a plan. Television. That’s it. Go on TV and tell the people something.
Obama – How should I know? You’re their leader. Make it up. No, wait a minute. I’ve got it. Nixon. We can use Nixon. That speech he made at the end of Watergate. Tell them, to quit before my term of office is up goes against every moral fiber in my body. Then tell them you’re not a crook.
Mubarak – We don’t have term limits. Besides, I already tried those words. It didn’t work.
Obama – Yeah they’re catching on, that’s a problem. Is the army still behind you?
Mubarak – I think so, the tanks are outside.
Obama – Okay. That’s a start. You’ve got to come up with a plan. Get people distracted. Tell them things will get better and that they need to be patient.
Mubarak – You think it will work?
Obama – How do you think the Afghanistan and Iraq wars have been sold to our people?
Mubarak – Okay. I’ll try.
Obama – Hosni.
Mubarak – Yes?
Obama – Boys try, men do.
Mubarak – Sir, I’ll have to ask you not to adopt that tone.