Clothes Horse

I’m not exactly a clotheshorse, I freely admit. Don’t get me wrong. I love fine clothes and looking good, but the days when I’d spend money on them with all the other financial obligations I have are long since past.

I mean c’mon! I once spent $75 for a car. You think I’m gonna spend five times that for a stitched piece of cloth made by a slave laborer in China.

I usually wear a pair of underwear (boxer shorts) for about a week before I switch to a new pair. This cuts down on washer time, saves water, energy (which is patriotic) and above all——avoids work.

I don’t iron my shirts. I always say I’ll do this Sunday night before work on Monday, but somehow never get around to it. Instead, I put on a wrinkled shirt, and inflate my chest while I drive to work in the hope some of the wrinkles will “press out.”

My shirts have rust stains under the armpits from years of wear (I hear somewhere you can buy a spray you put on the stains before the shirt goes into the wash that cleans ‘em).

It isn’t a high enough priority.

Instead, I just don’t lift my arms up in the air around other people to expose the stains.

I have ties bequeathed to me by my late father, representing all styles since 1971.

I particularly like the wide ties of the mid-70’s because they not only cover wrinkles in the middle of your shirt, but also spaghetti stains and missing buttons.

I refuse to wear the same shirt to work more than four days in a row.

If I have a shirt with a top button missing, I simply cinch my tie tighter at the collar, and roll up the cuffs a few turns under the premise that I’m pioneering the “rough look,” which will eventually become the in-thing.

I have 500 socks and not two of them match in color. This used to bother me until I got over false shame. Now I tell myself I’m simply too busy and important to bother worrying about such nonsense. If the world was fair, I’d have my own dresser (servant). I proudly wear mismatching socks. Honestly! Have you ever had anybody lift your pant legs to check your socks?

I wear the same pair of shoes every day until holes can be felt in the bottoms, then I realize I’ll eventually have to make a purchase. But depending on timing, I usually have several months’ leeway. Holes in the soles still work well in summer time when conditions are dry (you end up with little dirt marks on your socks the exact shape and size of the hole in the bottom of your shoe).

I buy a new pair of shoes when the fall rains come  because I refuse to accept wet feet.

I have never worn a hat. That’s something for old men.

I wear the same belt for years until the hook holes tear loose.



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