Adam’s Apples

I’m talking to this guy and he has a huge Adam’s apple. I can’t help it. I can’t look in his eyes. I have to watch his Adam’s apple, as it bobs up and down.




       What’s up with that?


       The Adam’s apple is the only part of the body directly tied to the Biblical story of creation. As the story goes, when Eve gave Adam the apple, he choked on a piece of it, and this became his Adam’s apple.




       See! There’s a rational scientific explanation for everything.


       That’s why men have bigger Adam’s apples than women do.


       A doctor will tell you the Adam’s apple regulates the deeper pitch men have to their voices. That’s all it does?


       Women have higher octave voices because their Adams’ apples are smaller. If only there was a body part that caused women to talk less.

But that’s a different matter.


       Some of us have big ears, big noses, and big chins. These can be cured by surgical procedures, in the case of the nose, something called a rhinoplasty.


       I’ve never known any man who had an obscene Adam’s apple to have it taken care of, like you would a nose. If he did, would he then have a voice like Barbara Streisand?




       It’s only conjecture at this point.


       I’ll tell you what though. It’s wrong to have an ugly Adam’s apple.


       It’s wrong to blame it on Adam.




       How would you like to have a cancer-like growth named after you? According to what you see in the movies, Adam is always a good looking hunk. Like Michael Parks. Remember him in the show “Then Came Bronson,” about the motorcycle loner who flouted society’s conventions?




       Oh! I’m getting off subject.


       I’m going to place a sticker on my car that reads, “Unlike Skate Boarding, it is a crime to have a big, ugly Adam’s apple.”


       I was lucky. I was born with a barely discernible Adam’s apple. Does that mean I have feminine characteristics?


       I’m a big believer what with the cost of medicine and doctors these days….in home surgery. In the past, I’ve taken steak knives and carved off offending lumps that I didn’t like, lumps that wouldn’t go away of their own accord…..performed without anesthetic.


       Why not the Adam’s apple? Hey, if it’s too big…that baby has to go. Simply insert blade, and slice downward for about two inches. Keep a cork handy as a temporary plug.




       After all, who in their right mind would want the elegant upward sweep of their regal god-like neck ruined with a bump that makes it look like you partially swallowed a hamster?


       The Adam’s apple is the only physiology that readily, involuntarily, moves up and down, except for the eyelids, and the mouth, and the male organ, if you’ve got one.


       In fact, if you could synchronize your Adam’s apple to bob up and down in unison with your male organ….you might be able to sell this skill to the television producers of American Idol.




       Poor Adam. First he goes gaga for this newly minted chick, who behind his back fools around with a snake. Then, to please her, he takes a bite of forbidden fruit which results in a giant cyst in his throat that looks like a huge, un-popped zit.


       Men who have hideous Adam’s apples should wear turtleneck sweaters. Even in the summer

One Response to “Adam’s Apples”

Leave a Reply