8 Classic Movie Monsters You Shouldn’t be Afraid of

Movie monsters from the Golden Age of Hollywood apparently were created to terrify audiences, but when you look at them closely, ask yourself, why? What is particularly scary about them other than they don’t look like you and me? I mean if looking different is scary, I should be afraid of an Eskimo (I’m not an Eskimo), afraid of a woman (I’m not a woman), afraid of a fat person (I’m not fat).
Granted some of these creatures were spawned from literature of the late 1800’s and movie audiences of the 1940’s were more naïve than they are today. But what is menacing about these eight famous movie monsters? Instead, I think they should evolve and take their place, not as scary fictional personages, but as comedy figures at whom you can laugh your ass off.
Frankenstein
The slowest of all monsters, he’s so slow and clumsy if he went to strike you with the back of his hand you’d have a month to get out of the way. All he does is stumble around and snarl “Aaaah! “Aahhhh!” Okay you’re stupid too. Listen blockhead, I could just run away from you while you’re knee-jerking around the laboratory knocking test tubes off the shelf.
Frankenstein and Zombies

The Mummy
A guy who looks like an upright-walking, bandage-wrapped penis. All you have to do is grab the end to his bandage and pull hard. He’ll spin around and around like a top and drill himself right into the ground.
One critic who refuses to be afraid of the mummy said, “I’m not gonna lie. There are plenty of monsters of whom I am afraid. But The Mummy is not one of them.”
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Dracula
Okay I’m sorry but anytime anyone says they want to suck me I’m not too frightened, okay? The man is dressed in a tux with greased back hair and speaks in a very effeminate manner though to my knowledge he never openly said on film what has traditionally become his trademark statement, “I vant to suck your blood.” Okay! I have to be asleep on the bed for you suck my blood, and you’re going to turn into a small little chirping bat. Big deal c’mon!
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Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Okay I thought I’d throw in a more recent movie monster and while this guy can be a little scary (he moves quicker than Frankenstein), most of the premise of the movie involves a chainsaw. Do you have any idea how hard it is to start a chainsaw? You have to pull a rope start again and again. They don’t catch right away. If I was the potential victim, I would have to stand there and wait around while you pulled your arm off trying to start the Fuc’n chainsaw. If I ran away, how fast can you run with a chainsaw?

The Creature from the Black Lagoon and the Phantom of the Opera
These are two monsters but I’ll combine them because the scary premise is one and the same. For me to be afraid of the Creature from the Black Lagoon, I have to first imagine my finding and swimming in a Black Lagoon. I don’t like Black Lagoons. They’re not easy to find. Likewise for me to be afraid of the Phantom of the Opera, I have to picture myself at an opera. I hate opera!

King Kong and Godzilla
Again I’ve combined two monsters because the premise is the same. I can’t help it King Kong is so cuddly looking and adorable I just want to pet him. All he wants to do is fondle a small blonde chick, which is no different than what a lot of politicians want. Anything so big you could see it approaching from 30 miles away like Godzilla is, it’s easy to simply board up your house windows like you would do for a hurricane, leave and take a vacation in Las Vegas. What are the chances Godzilla would come to Vegas? Not much. He’s too busy stomping Tokyo.

frank



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