American television stinks. They give out awards (Emmys) for producing crap. The best thing that ever happened was the writer’s strike, which partially shut down the foul industry. If only we could shut it all down. Shows with lawyers and doctors and women who try to act and talk tough. Shows that...

I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean. You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. Instead,...

My wife keeps a diary, and sometimes leaves it open with the last entry in view on the coffee table. I’m a person who wouldn’t want to read another person’s diary, even my wife’s, diaries being personal. But out of a corner of my eye, on the diary page, I saw my name. I couldn’t help reading.       ...

Ho Ho! Can you see the logic? The close relationship, the natural progression, from one thought to the next? Each year at Christmas we celebrate the birth of a First Century AD Galilean holy man and prophet, who preached, according to what we find in the Bible, humility, forbearance, sweetness and frugality....

Here Here I am as a space alien motorcycle biker in the 1978 movie Deathsport starring the late David Carradine, and Playboy Playmate Claudia Jennings. The film was a piece of shit, one of the worst movies of all time. Do you recognize my suit? This was the same suit worn by the apes in the epic movie...

Since nobody uses it, why do we have the word “ouch,” the sound you make when you hurt yourself? Where did this word come from? There is no doubt, back in the mists of time, when small men with giant reproductive organs walked the earth looking for women and wearing animal skins, they made...

Personally, I think it’s hopeless, though our military leaders use vague terms like we’re making “progress,” we need to “turn it around”—what that is we never know because with these double-speak phrases they never specify, or we’ve “turned a corner,” or there’s a “light at...

What is golf? You take a metal rod with a head on it, and hit a little white ball towards a hole in the ground. Golf symbolizes for a lot of pot-bellied, balding middle aged men success. Why? They can traipse around the clubhouse and act the big guy in their expensive golf clothes and say to themselves,...

Should I become an exotic dancer, or use empty toilet paper rolls? A man needs a hobby. I guess I’m not well-rounded. I seldom take a vacation (never, come to think of it), and I don’t spend a whole lot of time in church, though I do not consider myself a pagan. All I do is work to pay a bill, and...

There are certain parts of the human body I just can’t figure out. For example, testicles, you know, the little round reproductive spheres men have.   Why testicles? What do they do? If you’re a woman, the best way I can describe it…it’s like having an octopus right under your male organ. These...