Cheap! I don’t care for that term. Maybe in the same way a bald man doesn’t like the word bald. Cheap is what a baby chicken does. I’m frugal. I’m Scotch. Am I cheap because I couldn’t afford a birthday gift this year? Spending money you don’t have is foolish. My wife got a cupcake with a...

Reader’s note: I wrote this script for a professional comic ventriloquist. Imagine John is the ventriloquist and Ben is the puppet in his lap—-in front of a live audience. John – Hello everybody. I think you’ll agree with me this is a unique experience. An interview with, direct from the...

Carmel is quaint, charming, a forested vision, but also a desire in the mind, a striving for ordered, landscaped perfection, sloping downward on the side of a hill toward a breathtaking visage of the Pacific Ocean. To live in Carmel is to be upscale in a society that values upscale. How could I describe...

Since it’s okay for Rush Limbaugh to resort to name-calling and over the air identify a young woman who testified before Congress in favor of contraceptive coverage as a “slut,” it’s okay for me to use this space to call Limbaugh a “pig.” No wait! I’m not gonna do that, sink to his level....

There’s something about me that really angers people. A nice guy like me. Maybe it’s because I’m so open, vulnerable, intelligent, handsome. I don’t know. It’s uncanny how I have this innocent ability to infuriate. If I could just channel it, find a way to make money off...

All your life have you been burdened with an overwhelming sexual desire? That means you want to be doing it twenty-four hours a day. Why? Why were you cursed with this? You’re not happy. Who would be. Since you can’t get enough (sex), there’s never enough. This has interfered with your...

We are interviewing Loren C. Vandersnarff, the world’s longest surviving severed head. Mr. Vandersnarff, welcome to our Sammonsays studio. Loren – Thank you John. Sammonsays – How did you come to be the world’s longest living severed head? Loren – It was in a farming accident, in Buel, Idaho....

I am the world’s biggest…..albino Pigmy. You didn’t know did you? The Pigmies don’t either. They don’t like the word Pigmy. Today, they go by the name “Baka.” Three times I have applied for membership to the tribe, and three times I have been ignored, after completing...