You’ve heard me many times complain about how many words the English language has, too many, many of them meaning the same thing. Why do we need three words that all mean the same thing, or one word that can mean many things? Like “screw,” which can mean tightening a metal fastener.

       Or, doing something unpleasant to somebody, like cheating them of money (screwing them), or the act of physical intercourse.

       All from one word.

       But what about words that have a sexually deviant connotation without meaning to? Take for example, the word “innuendo.” This means a veiled insult against somebody by sneakily (behind their back) implying to someone else that something is wrong with that somebody.

       Do we really need this word? We already have the word “malign,” which means the same exact thing. Can’t we just whisper (behind their back), “he’s a sh..t head,” and be done with it?

       The way the word innuendo sounds, take it from me, it sounds a lot like the word “dildo,” which is an instrument used to produce joy in lonely people.

And it also sounds like, in-you-endo (in your rear end), which fits nicely with dildo.

       Is this a Freudian slip? Or a Freudian simile?

       Take it from me, a lot of words in the English language have hidden sexual connotations that perhaps the originators of these words never realized, or maybe they did without knowing it. Maybe it was subliminal.

       For instance, if you’re a caveman sitting in a cold cave without a woman and trying to think up a word, maybe you thought it up while you were thinking about something else, yaa-haa, getting it on, making out, smearing ice cream all over your body, riding the rocket.

       Or, other eloquent phrases. I think they still call it “horny.” When I think of horny, I think of those little horned toads we used to play with in grade school science class and then accidentally squashed when we put them down on the schoolroom seat, and forgot, and sat down.

       According to the dictionary, horny means “compact and homogeneous with a dull luster.” Huh? It doesn’t mean that to me. To me it means, I want you to see my huge sweaty muscles glistening in the moonlight just before you jump on my bones. Or, I want you to savage me in bed. The dictionary simply offers a second definition and says horny also means, “desiring sexual gratification.”

       C’mon! I want much more than that.

       But, let’s go back to the first definition, homogeneous with a dull luster. Homogeneous? Homogeneous? Sounds a lot like homosexual. Did the guy who invented this word (women never invent words, only men) secretly want a muscular stud? If you’re horny, meaning homogeneous with a dull luster, and if you’re the caveman who invented this word (horny), then it could mean you’re lonely in the cave, and you’re a gay Cro-Magnon who wants a boyfriend whose skin is wind-burned and chafed (dull luster).

       See the parallels? Most of our words have hidden sexual connotations.

       Talk about waste words. What about “sub-erect?” This means nearly erect. What’s up (pardon the pun) with that? Do we really need this? Erection means you’re excited to see someone (sexually), and as Mae West once said, “You have a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”

       Sub-erect? In this case, it could mean, I’m only half turned on (sexually aroused) while riding in a submarine. Once upon a time, that would have instantly meant you’re a gay guy. But today, women serve on submarines also.

       Once again, we get right back to sex.

       I could go on and on. But there’s no need.