I am formally announcing my candidacy for governor of California, though I haven’t taken out the necessary papers to run. I’m asking you to write me in as a candidate, and if elected, I promise to serve as a figurehead.

What are my qualifications for the office you ask? None.

I’m equal to many of the other candidates.

In fact, I’ve committed probably twelve immoral acts during the course of my life that would preclude me from ever holding office------if they were known. But, like the Bush Administration won’t tell you how much the war in Iraq costs because they don’t want you to find out, I won’t tell you what I’ve done.

That handles that problem.

What can I offer? Simplicity, simple answers to hard problems. One time a detractor called me “Simple Sam,” but I took it as a high compliment. After all, was it a dumb guy who invented missing weapons of mass destruction? Smart people have been the cause of all our troubles.

In a debate with that weight lifter Arnold Hossenfeeffer, I can say “duh,” as many times as he can. And unlike Arnold, I can do it in an American accent.

Did you notice how I sidestepped, never answered what I can offer? Is that politically savvy or what?

What would I do about illegal immigrations and our schools?

I don’t know. But I promise to come up with something. I’m for kids. They’re our future.

I don’t know many illegal immigrants well, but I would tell them to stop being illegal.

What about the energy crisis? What about it? The first step begins at home; reduce my nightly intake of fermented grapes, which drain energy. How am I doing so far? Is my best side profile to the camera?

My opponents will try to tout their exhaustive resumes and imagined experience as qualifications for the office. But I’m here to tell you, the less you’ve done and the worse you done it, the more qualified you are. For example, I’ve never managed a budget. Neither has the present governor.

Therefore, if I don’t do well, if the state goes to hell like it’s doing now, nobody needs to feel bad, nobody needs to blame. I was honest with you, told you I’ve never done this before. Expectations weren’t high to begin with. Set the target low. On the other hand, if anything good should happen, it’s unexpected, a win-win.

I live by my principals. Ask not, what you can do for yourself, just ask what you can do. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the San Joaquin Valley. The only thing we have to fear----is the candidates themselves.