2005 Column Archives
The Narcissist is In
By John Sammon
Oct 27, 2005, 13:00

Editor's note. Since I got called a "narcissist," a person who thinks only of himself, I decided to do an occasional "Dear Abbie" type column from a narcissist point of view, where I give advice to people who write me for it. The following letters came in over e-mail. Anyone who wants to can ask me for advice if you have a crisis. I'll talk to anybody, housewifes, prostitutes, chronic gamblers, Nazis...whoever has a problem. Let's face it. There are thirty symptoms of narcissism, and we all have a few. However, this should dispel the notion that I'm selfish, and show that I really do care about other people.     Dear John, Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I really hate my job. My boss is such a jerk. He is always in a bad mood and takes it out on me. I'm just a receptionist! Why doesn't he yell at his secretary? I don't want to quit my job. Am I a push-over? What do you think I should do? Thank you, Nicky Woods San Francisco

Dear Nicky - This is what I did with my former boss. March in his office, slam the door (make sure you slam it), and tell him, "don't ever talk to me like that again, or I'll tear you a new rectal extremity. I'm a human being. What's more, I'm too good to be working for a slug like you. The only reason you got this job, was the last manager was your aunt, and she felt sorry for you because you couldn't get an honest job."

JWS

Dear Sammon,

Your columns are very helpful but I wish you would
spend more time trying to help other people. Sometimes
you give really good advice and other times it just
seems to be all about you. I don't get it. Aren't you
suppose to be a politcally correct advice column?
That's what my neighbor told me.

Now I need some advice and I hope you will answer my
letter. Please don't correct my punctuation. I know it
stinks and thats not why I'm writting you.

My mother in law has been visiting us for the last 3
weeks. She's a very nice lady but she just won't stop
interfering. Yesterday I found her re-arranging my
kitchen cabinets. I know I am not the most organized
person but at least I knew where my stuff was. Now I
dont' have a clue.

How can I tell her to back off with out offending her
or my husband?

Lilli Mills
Boston, MA

Dear Lilli

You're darn right it's all about me, and why shouldn't it be? You think I'd ever set foot in a kitchen? I get other people to cook my food for me. I deserve it. That frees me up to be a genius on important matters, not trivial crapolla. As for your mother in law. Tell her to move out and get a life. You think I'd put up with sh...t from a mother in law? I have to put up with enough from her offspring who I married.

I never take any crap from relatives. I don't get mad, I get even. Say things like, "if you don't like it, the way my house is, you can move out and shack up with a rap singer. Or, don't go away mad, just go away."

Or, I say, "It's been a pleasure....all yours."

Tell her to quit being a busy body, or you'll put too much salt in her gruel. 

JWS  

Dear Mr. Sammon,

I've been reading your column for a long time. I think
you're a pretty smart guy and I like the way you
answer peoples comments. You seem to know all about
life and stuff so I was hoping you could help me with
a problem.

I got a job offer to work on a cruise ship. I really
want to go but my boyfriend is getting very possessive
of me. He says that if I go, I'll sleep around on him.
Just because it happened a couple of times before,
doesn't mean it's going to happen again. I've told him
I'll be faithful but he doesn't believe me. He thinks
we should get married so that I won't sleep around on
him.

What do you think? Should I get married? You know so
much stuff about marriage that I would like to hear
your opinion and maybe you can help me. Do you think
it would be alright to get married and then go work on
the cruise ship? I think that would be ok, don't you?

Well, I hope you can answer me. I really like your
website

Sincerely,

Emma Jane Wright

Dear Ms. Wright

Your boyfriend wants to get married, so you won't sleep around on a cruise?

What is he, a terminal nimrod?

This is what I would do. "I'm going on the cruise Bozo. And I'll see if you're up to my standards, when I return, that's if you have more money by then, and if I haven't married the captain of the ship.

I deserve better than you anyway.

That's my plan Bozo. I'm going to get the captain in his cabin, and lock the door behind me, and throw the key down my bra. Then, I'm going to chase the captain around his map table."

You might say that's going, "First Cabin."

Then we'll let nature take its course.

JWS