From SammonSays.com
Santa Elvis Screenplay
By John Sammon
Dec 29, 2006, 07:38
SANTA ELVIS
By
John W. Sammon
FADE IN
BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA
EXT. MOBILE HOME SALES LOT – DAY 1
An expansive sales lot with mobile homes for sale is seen, with flags gaily advertising a big discount event. Move down to two individuals who as we get closer, we can see one is a customer, the other a salesman dressed like Elvis Presley with a fake black (Elvis) hairpiece.
JOHN
You’ll love this rig man. This is you. Thank you thank you thank you (spoken like Elvis Presley, but a bad imitation).
CUSTOMER
I don’t know. This is a big stretch. The cost. I’ve got to have something that will last me the rest of my life. I mean, it’s a decision that’s important like…..well I’m shaking, you know.”
JOHN
I know what you mean, thank you thank you thank you (John throws this Elvis line out mechanically, lifeless, with boredom).
But quality is number one. See this door?
John opens the door to the mobile home, and closes it. Then repeats the process. The door closes with a metallic thud.
JOHN
Every part man. Each part is hand-made to suit the highest specifications.
The door sticks for a moment, won’t open. John forces it open.
CUSTOMER
I’ll have to think about it. We’re talkin’ a major chunk of change here.
INT. AN OFFICE INSIDE A PAPER-STREWN, CLUTTERED 2
TRAILER
Two men look out a window.
ASSISTANT
I got to hand it to you boss. Picking that loser to play Elvis was the best promo gig you’ve ever come up with. Genius.
BOSS
That’s why I’m Big Frank of Big Frank Motors. Mama didn’t raise no fool. You know all that bull we did with the newspaper ads and nobody came. This clown gets every kid and his uncle who’ve seen an old Elvis movie onto the lot. It’s tripled our foot traffic.
BACK TO JOHN AND CUSTOMER 3
CUSTOMER
I’ll let you know. I’m gonna sleep on it.
JOHN
You come back any time, ya’ hear? Thank you thank you thank you.
The customer departs and John looks for a moment at the door. He opens it and looks at the hinges.
The boss opens the window.
BOSS
(yelling)
Hey Simms! You were paid to work, not gold brick. If you haven’t got anything to do, exercise the motor. I don’t want you sitting on your dead can.
JOHN
(muttering angrily to himself as he enters the vehicle)
Sit on your dead can. I’ll sit on your can you crook. I know how you tamper with the odometers, and skimp on the extras. I’ve watched ya’ cheat ‘em.
John gets behind the wheel and turns the key, starting the engine. He continues muttering.
JOHN
Get junkyard engine parts at rip-off prices from your brother, and charge the customer five hundred percent more. Why I ever took this lousy job. Just about had it.
Outside, smoke can be seen coming from underneath the vehicle.
A VOICE OUTSIDE
(Yelling)
Fire! Fire!
John looks out, sees smoke, and bolts for the door. It’s jammed, won’t open. He runs about inside the motor home, filling with smoke. Outside, we see employees frantically running around, screaming and yelling for fire extinguishers.
A MAN
Who’s inside?
ANOTHER MAN
I don’t know.
Dense smoke fills the mobile home. John crashes out a window on the side and falls to the pavement, his Elvis hairpiece falling off. Employees lift him from the ground as fire extinguisher equipment arrives and the blaze is brought under control. John is assisted inside the sales office and put on a couch.
BOSS
(Running in)
What the hell are you doin’?
JOHN
It caught fire.
BOSS
You burning up a hundred thousand dollar motor home. Simms. I’ll sue your butt.
JOHN
My butt. It’s your butt. If you’d have somebody work on these things once in a while.
BOSS
Are you accusing me? That’s not what you get paid for. You’re just a temp worker I hired, a trained monkey.
JOHN
Why don’t you take your job and shove it.
BOSS
Don’t talk to me wise guy. You’re fired. That’s why I’m Big Frank. What are you? A little nobody who comes to me hat in hand with an Elvis bit. Know what? I can get one of my regular guys to play Elvis. I don’t need you. Turn in your hairpiece.
JOHN
(shoves the toupee at him)
Here! I quit. I’ll get an honest job.
BOSS
Are you calling me dishonest?
JOHN
If the shoe fits.
BOSS
Why you no good…..
The boss swings at John and misses. His fist crashes into a filing cabinet.
BOSS
(groaning)
My hand. You broke my hand.
JOHN
Thank you thank you thank you.
John leaves and walks dejectedly off the sales lot, the smoking mobile home behind him.
EXT. THE STREET IN FRONT OF JOHN’S APARTMENT 4 COP
(hands John a form)
I’m sorry. You got a month to get out.
JOHN
I’m good for it Ted. I have a rent check coming. You know that.
COP
(sighing)
I know. Back in the old days, landlords would let you skate a little while longer. I can’t do anything for you.
JOHN
Yeah.
John enters his dingy apartment. On the walls are pictures of famous writers, Shakespeare and Hemingway. He makes himself some coffee. Nearby in a cage is a parrot. He hands the parrot a cracker.
JOHN
(removing his silver Elvis jacket)
Hope your day was better Joe.
He glances at a newspaper.
JOHN
I’m a three-time loser Joe. A writer who never sold squat, ‘cept a book I had published myself that nobody ever read…..just my mother. And she didn’t like it. Called me a pervert. That, and a six-hundred-word fluff piece in a camping magazine. I’m a fifty-four-year-old man. The next Ernest Hemingway. That’s what I was going to be. What happened?
He holds up a stack of papers.
JOHN
(bitterly)
Rejection slips. Ideas for stories that never were. Joe. Where did I go wrong?
Well. Nothing you and I can do now other than look for another place to live. The next landlord will have to be somebody with a heart.
EXT. LAURIE’S HOUSE. 5
Laurie enters her house from the street, an angry look on her face. She goes into the living room and confronts a sleazy-looking guy in a biker jacket and his equally sleazy girl friend. Behind the two mounted on the wall is a Nazi flag.
LAURIE
What’s the answer?
BIKER
I told ya’ man. I don’t have the rent.
LAURIE
(angry)
You promised.
BIKER
Look chicky baby. Don’t bug me. I’ve got my rights, ya’ know. This is California. Dig?
LAURIE
(furious)
Chicky? Chicky? I’m not your chicky.
BIKER GIRL FRIEND
You don’t have to talk to her. She’s got to show cause.
LAURIE
(screaming)
Three months missed rent. That’s cause.
The biker pops a beer and belches. Laurie storms out of the house.
Cut to police escorting the biker, who’s wearing a German helmet and clutching the Nazi flag, out of Laurie’s house in an eviction action. The biker pauses, a little girl next to him.
BIKER
(to Laurie)
You throwing my daughter out of her house. Aren’t you ashamed?
LAURIE
No.
COP
(nudges the biker toward the street)
C’mon.
Laurie enters her house and finds the walls smeared with red paint and the words “white power.” Beer bottles litter the floor. She breaks down and cries.
EXT. LAURIE’S HOUSE 6
John is in front of Laurie’s house, a newspaper clutched in his hand. He is dressed in business-type suit and tie. Laurie answers the door.
JOHN
I came about your ad.
LAURIE
Come in.
She invites him to the kitchen table.
LAURIE
Want some coffee? Wait a minute. Before we start. You’re not a Nazi?
JOHN
(perplexed)
No.
LAURIE
That’s a start. The last tenant I had didn’t work out.
JOHN
(nodding)
Oh.
LAURIE
Let’s get to it. The ad explains. A single room down the hall. Two hundred bucks a month. You help with the dishes and clean up your cooking. I have a son, a twelve-year-old. That a problem?
JOHN
No I like kids.
LAURIE
Can you supply references? I’m going to check references this time.
JOHN
Sure.
LAURIE
What is it you do?
JOHN
I’m sort of an entertainer.
LAURIE
(sipping coffee)
Really? What kind?
JOHN
A singer.
LAURIE
(worried)
Oh no. Don’t tell me that. That’s a spotty income. I need steady. No show business types. I need the rent paid because I’m an overworked single mom who has enough trouble. I’ll have to pass.
JOHN
(pleading)
No wait. Please! I’m a writer too. I do both, because of the uncertainties of the other one. Give me a chance.
LAURIE
I’m sorry.
John gets up to go.
LAURIE
Why is it so cold in here?
Laurie walks over to a wall heater and kicks it.
LAURIE
The pilot light went out again.
She squats and looks at the heater.
LAURIE
I can’t light it. I’ll have to call the plumber again.
John approaches and opens the bottom heat panel. He lies on his stomach and examines the device.
JOHN
No. See. Here’s your problem. See that gap? Got a match?
She brings him a match and joins him on the floor.
JOHN
You got a gap between your ignition coil and this do-gooder here. See? To relight it, you just follow this little tube to the end and put the match there.
LAURIE
Can I?
JOHN
Sure. Hold the match there.
She lights the pilot, and the heater comes back on.
LAURIE
I did it myself.
JOHN
You did. Now you know what to do if it ever goes out again.
They’re on the floor gazing into each other’s eyes.
LAURIE
You’re a handy man.
JOHN
(preoccupied by her attractiveness)
Yeah. I…I once trained as a fireman too, but a hose burst during training and I got hurt. I can lift stuff. I could carry all your furniture out of the house in three minutes if there was a fire.
LAURIE
(looking at him closely)
You’re pretty solid for a guy your age.
She studies him.
LAURIE
Okay. I’ll give you a chance. I want a man because I feel safer with one here. But you miss one rent check, out you go.
JOHN
Thank you. You won’t regret it.
LAURIE
That’s after I check your references.
JOHN
Sure.
INT. UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE 7
A busy office. John has been waiting in line and has a frustrated expression. He steps to the counter to find a bureaucratic clerk with horn-rimmed glasses perched on her nose.
CLERK
(in an irritating nasal voice)
Next.
JOHN
I haven’t received my check.
She checks the computer.
CLERK
You reported income. Your benefits have been cut off for that reason.
JOHN
(angry)
Yes I reported income. Fifty measly bucks for a one-day gig. I was honest and reported the income. They’re cutting me off from unemployment for that? For being honest. I didn’t have to report the money. If I’d just let it slide, I’d still be getting benefits?
CLERK
(indifferent)
That’s right.
JOHN
You’re crazy.
CLERK
(handing him a paper)
I do not set the rules sir. If you have a problem, fill out this form and your case will be reevaluated. They are taken on a case-by-case basis, and exponentially taken according to seniority of basis, cause and potentiality of numeral occurrence.
JOHN
What the hell are you talking about?
CLERK
Please sir, there are other people waiting.
JOHN
I was honest. And I’m being penalized. I was honest. I reported the income like I was supposed to. What am I gonna do for money next week?
CLERK
(pointing)
Fill out the Ten-E-Z Form sir and return to line 8-B over there.
JOHN
Ten easy form? Look at this. This will take me an hour to fill out. Am orated income for the past six years? I don’t have this information with me. How can I fill this out?
CLERK
(mechanically)
I don’t make the rules sir.
John sits and furiously fills out the form. The clock moves two hours.
John is back in another line, but comes before the same clerk.
JOHN
(handing her the form)
It’s me again. You’re over here now huh? Roam at will.
CLERK
(spoken lifelessly)
Quality control sir.
JOHN
What does that mean?
CLERK
Revolvance of responsibility multi-tasking.
JOHN
(disgusted)
Sorry I asked.
CLERK
(takes his form and stamps it several times. Hands it back)
There you are sir. Your hearing is January twenty-five. Eight o’clock.
JOHN
(dumbfounded)
What? That’s four months from now. How am I going to live?
CLERK
Sir, I don’t……….
JOHN
(interrupting)
I know, make the rules. You’re mad. Out of your mind. This is a madhouse.
She stares at him robotically.
JOHN
(tearing up the form, shouting at the people in lines around him)
You’re all insane! All of you!
He jumps on the bits of paper on the floor and runs out yelling.
CLERK
(watches him go and mechanically turns to the next customer)
Next please.
INT – SUPERMARKET 8
John is shopping for groceries and it’s obvious he’s a bachelor and it’s a chore because he lifts TV dinners two at a time and throws them in the basket.
EXT. – LAURIE’S HOUSE 9
John enters Laurie’s house and puts his shopping bags down on her kitchen sink.
LAURIE
Hi.
JOHN
(glum)
How you doin’?
LAURIE
Still moving in?
JOHN
Yeah.
A twelve-year-old boy enters.
LAURIE
I didn’t introduce you to my son. Ben.
JOHN
(extending his hand)
Hi Ben.
BEN
(looks accusing)
Looks like another loser mom.
The boy refuses to shake and moves to the TV set where he begins watching a violent terminator movie.
LAURIE
You’ll have to forgive my son. Since his father moved out he’s been. How can you say it? Difficult.
(calling to her son)
Ben! That’s not how we treat people.
BEN
(rude)
Whatever.
Laurie and John move to John’s room. Boxes of stuff are unpacked.
LAURIE
(indicating John’s possessions)
Need any help with this?
JOHN
Thanks. I’ve got an interview this afternoon anyway.
LAURIE
Promising?
JOHN
Working with old people.
LAURIE
That’s great. I wish you good luck.
JOHN
Yeah. Luck. I’m all for it.
Laurie exits John’s room and sees her son engrossed in the show.
BEN
Kill that sucker. Twist his head off. Yeah! Split him up the middle. Awesome dude! Carve his tongue off.
Laurie moves to the set and switches it off.
BEN
What’re you doin’?
LAURIE
(angry)
I told you I want you to do homework or something constructive.
BEN
(yelling)
You have no right to do that. I hate you! I hate you!
John listens from his room as mother and son shout at each other.
INT. OFFICE 10
John is seated before the director of an old age home. The director is looking at John’s resume.
DIRECTOR
Quite a varied career you have here.
JOHN
Yes sir. I’ve been around.
DIRECTOR
Then you agree to the conditions and the pay.
JOHN
Yes sir. It will be fine.
DIRECTOR
(putting the paper down, stares at John)
You have one job here and one job only. Keep the residents entertained. I don’t care how you do it. Tell jokes, make conversation.
JOHN
I’m a singer sir.
DIRECTOR
That’s fine. I don’t care. Sing. Twiddle your thumbs. Stand on your head. Just do your job. I realize the pay isn’t any great shakes.
JOHN
Right now it will do fine sir.
DIRECTOR
There is one thing.
JOHN
Sir?
DIRECTOR
You’ll be expected to play Santa Claus.
JOHN
Santa?
DIRECTOR
From November through Christmas.
JOHN
(shakes his head)
Sir, I’m a singer who does celebrity voices, and I…….
DIRECTOR
(interrupting)
Do you want this job?
JOHN
Oh yes sir. Very much.
DIRECTOR
Then you’ll play Santa. The residents get so much joy from it. That’s the job, bringing joy. Christmas is our most festive occasion here at Golden Manor. Don’t make the mistake our last entertainer did, or I shall be forced to conclude your services are no longer needed.
JOHN
Mistake?
DIRECTOR
We had a magician. Magic hat with rabbits. He tried to expand the act. Pulled a hedgehog from his hat. Our senior Gladys thought it a giant rat and went into fibrillation. Thank God for the heart-lung machine she’s okay. Then the magician refused to play Santa.
JOHN
(nodding eagerly)
I’ll play him.
DIRECTOR
Good.
JOHN
When do I start?
DIRECTOR
Next Week. There is one other thing.
JOHN
Yes sir?
DIRECTOR
We have an activity coordinator here, Ms. Lug. You will coordinate all your activities with her. She will in effect be your immediate supervisor.
JOHN
Yes sir.
DIRECTOR
One other thing.
JOHN
Sir?
DIRECTOR
You need an elf.
JOHN
An elf sir?
DIRECTOR
Yes an elf. A short person to help Santa Claus. Santa always has an elf. Jump around and be jolly. You know.
JOHN
I guess I do.
The two men shake hands.
DIRECTOR
Fine business. Welcome to employment with Golden Manor. I’ll provide you with a list of partial benefits and perks. I hope you’ll like it here.
John stands and turns to leave.
DIRECTOR
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention.
JOHN
Sir?
DIRECTOR
I hope you don’t have an aversion to picking up bedpans.
JOHN
(unsettled look)
I’ll find an elf to do it.
INT. LAURIE’S HOUSE 11
John is unpacking his things in his room. Ben, her son, enters.
BEN
Mom said I should help you unpack.
JOHN
Well thanks Ben.
BEN
Whatever. But I didn’t want to.
JOHN
(smiling)
Thanks anyway.
The boy takes a seat on the bed. He looks into an opened box, pushing it with a toe of his shoe.
BEN
What’s this stuff?
JOHN
That’s my army uniform and a pistol belt.
BEN
You were in the army?
JOHN
Yeah. A long time ago.
BEN
You ever kill anybody?
JOHN
I hope not.
BEN
(looks disappointed)
Why not?
JOHN
I don’t want to kill anybody. Why would I want to do that?
BEN
Cause that’s what you do in the army.
JOHN
Is that right? I think you’ve been watching too many terminator movies.
BEN
He’s cool.
JOHN
I thought so.
BEN
My dad wouldn’t be afraid to kill somebody.
JOHN
That right?
BEN
Yeah. He was out at a bar one time and a guy said something he didn’t like. He kicked his ass, cleaned his clock. He would have wasted that dude if the cops hadn’t shown up.
JOHN
He told you this?
BEN
He told me all about it. He visits me and we go places too. He’s got a big house where he lives with a girl friend and he has a Jacuzzi. He doesn’t have just a room like a loser.
JOHN
Meaning me?
BEN
Whatever.
JOHN
(stops unpacking)
Let me give you a little advice son. Nobody sets out to be a loser.
BEN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JOHN
I didn’t think so.
BEN
Can I go now?
JOHN
Go ahead. I’ll tell your mom you helped.
BEN
Thanks.
EXT. GOLDEN MANOR REST HOME – DAY 12
John enters the rest home dressed as Elvis Presley with a fake hairpiece and encounters Ms. Lug, the retirement home’s social director. Ms. Lug is a haughty, severe-looking woman in her 50’s who always has a clipboard in her hands.
LUG
I see you brought your costume. Very convincing.
JOHN
Thank you.
LUG
Let’s get one thing straight from the start.
JOHN
Yes ma’am.
LUG
I am your boss. Don’t have any doubts about it. You displease me and out you go. You answer to me, and you check in with me when you come at mid-day and when you leave. There will be no loitering around the TV room or the snack bar, understand?
JOHN
Yes ma’am.
LUG
Another thing.
JOHN
Yes ma’am.
LUG
I am not your ma’am. You will refer to me as Ms. Lug, or madame supervisor. Do you understand?
JOHN
Yes ma’am. I’m sorry. Ms. supervisor.
LUG
Lug.
JOHN
Yes Ms. Lug.
LUG
Fine. Now off with you. Be entertaining. I better hear applause.
JOHN
Yes sir. I’ll do my best.
John walks off with Ms. Lug looking irritated. He enters a room with an elderly lady propped up in bed. Her TV set is on with a game show, but she stares at the ceiling away from it. John places a cassette player at the foot of the bed.
JOHN
(holding an imaginary microphone)
Thank you thank you thank you. You’re beautiful. I’d like to welcome you here to my favorite place Golden Manor, where the women are the foxiest in the world. Ha ha ha! I’m gonna do a little medley, that I hope you like, including a couple spirituals that give me grace, when I’m feeling low, and also a Vegas showstopper. He ha ha!
The elderly lady gazes at him with a troubled, disbelieving expression. John starts the cassette background music.
JOHN
(singing badly)
Well –ah-bless my soul, what can it be, I’m shakin’ like a little leaf on a tree, I’m glad to say that she’s my butter cup I’m in love----I’m all shook up, uh-huh-huh----huh, baby, I’m all shook up.
(pausing)
Thank you thank you thank you.
(singing)
Wise men say, only fools rush---in. But I can’t help falling in love with you. Our love was meant to be.
She takes a bag and begins munching corn nuts.
(singing)
Take my hand, take my whole life too, cause I can’t help falling in love with you.
(pausing)
Thank you thank you. You’re beautiful.
(singing)
You ain’t nuthin’ but a hound dog, beepin’ up a tree, you ain’t nothing but a hound dog, beepin’ up a tree, you ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no good to me. They said you was high class, but that was just a lie, they said you was high class, but that was just a lie……….
Outside the room, in a nearby combination television-recreation room, three elderly ladies are watching TV.
WOMAN NUMBER ONE
Did you see the singer come in? Hear that?
WOMAN TWO
Cute. I’d like to get my hands on him.
WOMAN THREE
Who’s he impersonating?
WOMAN ONE
I think it’s Frankie Lane.
WOMAN TWO
I’d like to get my hands on him.
WOMAN ONE
You’ll get your chance.
WOMAN THREE
(asking woman two)
I thought you were hot for Mr. Ward? He was the only man on the west wing you’d have anything to do with.
WOMAN TWO
He’s the only man still alive on the west wing.
John is finishing his medley.
JOHN
(sings)
I sent a letter to the post man, he put it in his sack, bright and early next morning, he sent my letter back…….he wrote upon it, return to sender, no such number……no such zone.
John jumps and does a flashy scissors leg dip. He stands, catching his breath, as if acknowledging applause. The elderly lady remains silent, munching corn nuts.
JOHN
Thank you thank you thank you. What an audience. You’re beautiful.
The old lady reaches for a hand remote, switches the TV channel and begins watching another show, without a response. Troubled, John picks up the cassette player and walks from the room.
INT. MS. LUG’S OFFICE 13
John enters looking a little downcast.
MS. LUG
(sorting papers at her desk)
So, your first day. How did it go?
JOHN
(insincerely)
Oh just great ma’am.
She looks up at him.
JOHN
I’m sorry. Madame supervisor.
MS. LUG
Fine. Make sure you’re here tomorrow on the dot. Show up late and you’ll be docked pay plus put on notice.
JOHN
Yes madame. Thank you.
INT. LAURIE’S HOUSE 14
John enters to find Laurie fixing coffee.
LAURIE
Hi. Well?
JOHN
Well what?
LAURIE
How did it go?
JOHN
Oh just great.
LAURIE
(nodding in recognition)
Not all it’s cracked up to be, huh?
JOHN
No job ever is.
LAURIE
(smiling)
I must say though, you look pretty cute in that costume. It’s not every landlord who has Elvis Presley renting a room. Want some coffee?
JOHN
Thanks. I’m beat. I was on my feet all day. I have a supervisor you may have heard of, Attila the Hun.
LAURIE
(sipping coffee at the table)
That bad huh?
JOHN
Let me put it this way. Look up rancid in the dictionary, and there’s her picture.
LAURIE
I’ll wait.
JOHN
What?