2005 Column Archives
Male Beating Ass Bonding
By John Sammon
Nov 27, 2005, 14:47

       I know the world is a mess.

       So!

       On June 5, on my newly self-proclaimed “International Step Down Day,” every man in the world will step down and give up his position to a woman…..from the president on down.

       Even the dog catcher.

       Even Fidel Castro.

       You see. Men are destroying the world.

       Women are free of the need-for-dominance gene men have.

       This is how it works. If I conquer you, I’m better than you are. That’s how men think, and that’s how they act, though they’d deny it.

       It’s time to admit the truth.

       I agree with Maureen Marsh and Maureen Dowd. Men have consistently shown over the past forty decades they’re incapable of ruling because of unacceptable estrogen levels, and, as in my case, child-mother mammary fixations and penis fantasies.

       Here’s how it (paranoia) works. I can beat you up.

       Therefore, I’m more of a man than you are. He can beat me up. Therefore, he’s more of a man than I am.

       What you know, or the content of your heart, or character, is immaterial. If I can beat you up, I’m right, you’re wrong.

       Simple!

       You think this is not an engrained reflex? It’s only been in place since the Ice Age. Men are not capable of learning or adapting, a lot like dinosaurs. In other words, a leopard can’t change his spots.

       We all know that since the dawn of time, the measure of a man is who can beat who up. Who carries the biggest club.

       Or, let me put it another way. The world is a Popeye cartoon.

       Bluto wants his share of Olive Oil, but Popeye, a cock-eyed sailor who’s into spinach abuse, wants to deny Bluto his share of Olive. Popeye wants to hog her all for himself. He kicks Bluto’s ass. Olive is merely a piece of meat…much like a foreign oilfield.

       The physical act of kicking Bluto’s ass (they even play a joyful theme song…da-da-da-d-dahh-de-dalla-dan-da-dahhh while Popeye kicks Bluto’s ass), is key. It’s a proven fact that not shaming Bluto for his behavior, but physically beating him, is what makes Popeye right.

       That’s how the world works. In Iraq, in Congress.

       Remember George Bush in his debate with that former swift boat guy from Vietnam, what’s his name? Bush looked like he wanted to attack the moderator.

       Let’s say we’re in Congress on opposing political parties. Legally, I can’t beat your ass like I’d like to. I envision it in my mind (beating your ass) at the very moment you’re making what I consider a “traitorous” speech. An actual beating in Congress hasn’t taken place since abolitionist Charles Sumner was pounded with a cane over the head by a redneck Southerner just before the start of the Civil War (The redneck said that every time he hit Sumner, Sumner screamed like a “scalded hog.”)

       Joe McCarthy once stomped a reporter he didn’t like in a rest room in the Capitol in the early 1950s.

       I can’t beat your ass like I want, or I’ll wind up in jail. But I find other ways to beat your ass.

       Instead, I’ll declare I’m more of a veteran than you are. In other words, I beat more asses (the enemy’s) than you did. It’s just like we’re eight year olds taunting each other in the school yard just before I whip your ass.

       While you attended safe National Guard meetings, I actually faced overseas enemy troops.

I’ve made more of a contribution and I’ve got a better service record, so I’m better than you are. You’re only a Guard Boy.

       I’m an Alpha Wolf, you’re lower.

       My male opponent of course thinks visa versa.

       Women on the other hand………..women try to work things through without estrogen chest pounding. They can be bitchy at certain times of the month. But it’s usually no more than pointing a finger and saying something like, “don’t patronize me!”

       That’s better than a beating.

       Especially when you’ve got that finger on the nuclear trigger.