What would I like women to change about themselves? As a group?

       I’d like women to stop their incessant catty chatter, especially in the office where I, a man, have to listen to it. They go on and on and on about fantasy men they’re supposedly in love with, usually movie stars like Matthew Perry……

       Men they don’t have a ghost of a chance of ever meeting.

       “You won’t ever get near him,” I feel like saying. “He’s an image on the screen. A phony image. That’s all he (Perry) is. Sure he looks great. The warts have been air-brushed away.

       But unlike Perry, I’m real. I’m here in the office next to you. You can put your hands on me. Why aren’t you lusting after me?

       Oh I know. It’s because I don’t have fame and M..O..N..E..Y. Right?

       How do you know I don’t have it? I could be an eccentric millionaire.

       I could look just as good as Perry if they made my face up, photographed it in special light to cover my blemishes and age lines, died my hair to cover the gray, filmed me from a certain angle to lessen the length of my nose, and staged me in front of a barrel to cover my paunchy mid-section.

       I could look just as good!”

       That’s what I should say.

       Instead, I keep it to myself while the women chatter on.

       I guess it’s always a case of, forbidden fruits are the sweetest.

       I never talk about babes on the screen because I don’t attend movies, and even if I did I wouldn’t find any that attractive. I realize they all look pretty much the same sitting on a toilet seat.

       What else would I like to see women change about themselves?

       Women, when they’re proven wrong, sure hate to pay up, admit they were wrong. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a person who is proven dead wrong about something……and simply walks away……..chooses to forget.

       Women also don’t like it when a man defends himself or displays anger. But it’s okay for them to get mad.

       Double standards are at the heart of much of  female behavior in that they selectively choose their rights and chivalrous perks. For example, if I push through the door ahead of a lady and let it close in front of her as she approaches, I’m not a gentleman; I’m a rude, macho pig. Yet, this same woman wants to use the foulest, unladylike, truck driver-type language to chew me up one side and down the other.

       You can’t have it all, both ways, or as Marie Antoinette said, “your cake and eat it too.”

       Speaking of toilet seats, will you women stop getting mad at us guys for leaving the seat up?

What’s up with that? Oh yeah! Like lowering a mere lid is such a big chore. Guys have other things on their minds after leaving the seat behind.

       Here are more things I’d like to see women change:

1. Don’t wear a bra. I like to see what you’re really made of under the shirt.
2. Don’t ask me since I’m heading that way to get you a cup of coffee when you knew I wasn’t heading “that way.” That’s dishonest. I was heading away from the coffee maker, and you knew it.
3. Be fully willing to wear a costume before sex (for example Wonder Woman).

4. But don’t call me a “pervert,” which is a double standard, and hypocritical, when a week earlier you asked me to roughly “throw you on the bed!” which is also a fantasy act.
5. Oh, I remember, we’re talking about the female group, not just what I want.
6. I’d like to see more women realize that differences between sexes aren’t all bad, and that a “unisex” world, for example, steroid fed women playing pro football, a world where everyone’s exactly the same….is ridiculous.
7. Steroid fed women are okay if you dig bisexual Amazons with strap-on equipment.