(Sung to the tune of Monty Python’s “I’m a lumberjack, but it’s okay.”)

       “I’m a narcissist, but it’s okay.”

       I got called a narcissist.

       Am I a narcissist?

       I’m not a narcissist.

       What is a narcissist?

       A person who has grandiose feelings about their own self importance.

Oh yeah! That’s me! C’mon! You think I’m going to go through life conceding that I’m just like everybody else. I don’t have any right to feel special? Oh sure! It’s okay for Paris Hilton to have a fun life and be the center of attention, but not me. I’m just a nobody and should be content to be so.

       Right!

       I’m the greatest psychic genius in a hundred years. Give me a break.

       The definition of narcissist also says the person takes criticism personally, feels rage, shame and humiliation, and thinks people are out to get him.

       What a bunch of bull! People are just too stupid to see the brilliance of my writings. That’s what you have to put up with when you work in a world of dullards, yahoos.

       All they want to do is put me in my place as an underling, because I’m innocent and pure and easy to take advantage of. Well screw ‘em!

       They’ll never let me in the inner circle of fame because they can’t stand someone who’s brighter than they are, and who knows it, and who know I know it, and whom they can’t control.

       Is that being a narcissist?

       Narcissism is also defined as having recurrent fantasies of unlimited wealth and power.

       I’m a down to earth guy. All I want, and this is all I ever really expected, is a million dollars in the bank, the ability to smack somebody in the nose and pay the fine for it, and a tropical island of my own in the South Pacific. With a cabana to the open sea air, and flowing white curtains.

       Why not me? Some jerk has that. Donald Trump has that. It’s okay for him, right? But not me. A two-bit thieving punk in a pin striped suit. That’s Donald Trump.

       And that makes me a narcissist?

       Craving constant attention and admiration. This makes me a narcissist?

       I don’t ask people to salute when I walk into a room….just be properly respectful and reverent. That’s all. Is that too much to ask? I’m a genius. I should be treated like one.

       I just want what’s coming to me. And I’ll get it even if I have to step on a few people. It’s dog eat dog.

       Did the truth ever stop Tom Delay?

       A narcissist believes they have a right to exploit others. Yeah! Right!

       Did Napoleon whine and cry and say, “I can’t take over France because then I’d be a narcissist?”

       I give everybody a fair chance. But don’t get in the way of what’s mine.

       Another supposed symptom of narcissism is that the person is a poor loser.

       I have a right to be a poor loser. I’ll bet none of my columns ever wins a literary award, because the judge is probably some effete New York snob who’s against me because I live in a small seaside town. He’s jealous because I can hear the surf crashing from my window when he hears screams in the night and police sirens. So if I enter a contest, he’ll throw my submission in the garbage. But if I was a gay guy who’d been mugged in Manhattan. Oh! That’s different. Then! Then! He’d read it. He’d give me an award.

       The most talented people never win anything.

       Supposedly, a narcissist is a person who disregards rules because he feels he is somehow special?

       I’ve got news for you. I am special! I refuse to wait near the cash register at a crowded restaurant without any available tables and stare stupidly and hungrily at people eating food while I wait for a free table. I’ll go to my car and sulk while my wife waits inside at the cash register.

       That’s only fair.

       A narcissist thinks everybody loves or hates him.

       Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me because they’re jealous of my ability.

       Oh yeah! Shallowness in emotional responses and inability to sympathize with others.

       I’m not my brother’s keeper man. A keeper is what a zoo animal has.