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Last Updated: Feb 3rd, 2007 - 07:11:37 |
2003 Column Archives
I Insist
If you’re twenty-five and drool and leer at some gorgeous doll, you have youthful ardor. If I do it, I’m a lecher, a dirty old man.
Dec 30, 2003
2003 Column Archives
I'm Not Scrooge
That night, a ghost appears, the Ghost of my Christmas Past, a beach boy type dressed in cutoff jeans.“Gnarly dude!” The spirit says
Dec 15, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Don't Smell the Flowers
I’m the only person who can smell the inside of his nose. You think this strange? You’re darn right it is.What does it smell like? Grotty. But perversity being what it is, it’s kind of addicting. Like, I can’t describe it. I mean, why would the inside of your head smell like flowers anyway?
Nov 30, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Driving
I hate driving. I’m driving down the road at a reasonable speed, and what’s this in my rearview mirror, some geek tailgating...
Nov 16, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Not Me
I’m not going out on Halloween this year, not after what happened last year. This year I’m going to stay home and hand out candy and get scared when the candy runs low and the kids are still coming.
Oct 19, 2003
2003 Column Archives
The End of Substance
Any man who would trade a Hollywood set where skill is irrelevant and where he can get away with fondling women for a political position, just isn’t very bright.
Oct 2, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Caligulas Horse
Look at the candidates for California governor, and remember, this is the same country that produced Abraham Lincoln. Ask yourself seriously after you watched their antics at the debate-is this the best we can do?
Sep 28, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Too Much
Every day I get spam ads on my e-mail for penis enlargement. Who would have thought it possible? Do they know something I don’t? What’s up (excuse the pun) with that?"
Sep 21, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Wing and a Prayer
I’m going to call my plan, not the “Road Map for Peace” (the Road Map’s a dead-end). I’m going to call my plan, “A Wing and a Prayer,” because that’s a more realistic honest assessment given the religious and political animosities that have festered in the Middle East for decades.
Sep 15, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Luck Into One
Bush has come full circle, from the pompous ass parading around in his National Guard weekend warrior uniform, to coming hat in hand through his mouthpiece Colin Powell asking the same UN countries he earlier called yellow------for help
Sep 8, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Accept My Dog
You fixate on my dog because it’s a sound you can’t control or buy. So you leave me these crazy notes. I tear them up. Even if I hate my dog for what he’s done to my yard, I’ll defend him. I’m not taking him back to the pound to be gassed to fulfill your sick suburban lifestyle.
Aug 26, 2003
2003 Column Archives
War
Both Vietnam and Iraq were and are disagreements in which people shoot at each other and blow each other up. One act leads to another, backed by different agendas. The killing will continue until the need for it disappears.
Aug 24, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Simple Candidacy
I am formally announcing my candidacy for governor of California, though I haven’t taken out the necessary papers to run. I’m asking you to write me in as a candidate, and if elected, I promise to serve as a figurehead.
Aug 19, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Pajamas
Why do you think they make prisoners in court trials wear orange pajamas? Because they render you impotent. Pajamas hide your sexuality, make you look absurd. A prisoner in pajamas is more apt (psychologically) to be meek in the court, accepting of the system, compromising, less argumentative in defense----than if he came wearing a tuxedo.
Jul 10, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Can't Admit
What do you do with a government that can’t admit when it’s wrong? They lie, and if they ever find themselves telling the truth, they lie more just to keep their hands in it.
Jun 8, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Nervous Habits
Why is calm and cool, in other words, the ability to fool the body that danger or stress doesn’t matter, looked upon as desirable, when it’s really stupidity? If you were a caveman living in a cave in prehistoric times and a saber-toothed cat showed up at the entrance to your cave, would you show that cat a punk car sticker that said, “No Fear?”
Jun 6, 2003
2003 Column Archives
American People to Fear
Knuckleheads in government come and go, but the recent climate of intolerance during the Iraq conflict shows that a substantial portion of the populace not only don’t respect freedom of speech, but want punitive action taken against so called dissenters.
Jun 1, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Wrong When Right
It’s humorous that flag-waving pro-war proponents, some of whom think wrestling on TV is real; also think they’ve been proven right by the outcome of the war. They now expect those against it to eat crow. As usual in such cases (Murphy’s Law), the war if anything, raised more questions than it answered"
May 4, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Media Circus
The Bush Administration has the normally liberal mainstream news media cowed, afraid that if they ask tough questions about the war, they’ll be called unpatriotic. It’s called “spin” today, but it used to be called propaganda.
Apr 21, 2003
2003 Column Archives
No Respect
The weekend is a microcosm of life, I’m forced to work at a job to pay the bills. It’s not that I hate my job; it’s just that if I had my choice, I’d rather do something else (like touring Norman castles in the Scottish Highlands).
Apr 14, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Understanding
Mark Twain was critical of Americans invading the Philippines during the Spanish American War. He said he thought America was turning into a bully. I’ve never heard anybody call Mark Twain a traitor.
Mar 30, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Fear and Loathing
Oh great! I thought. Here we go again. The same kind of polarization we had during Vietnam, the kind that tore this country in half. Remember the Vietnam era, where the teenage son would speak against the war. The teenager’s father would accuse the teenager of being a traitor.
Mar 16, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Ana Pro
Can you believe there actually exists Pro Anorexia (Pro Ana) and Pro Bulimia (Pro Mia) web sites with tips and guidance for getting into an Ed (Eating Disorder)?
Mar 9, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Run
I heard the government had declared a triple-stage, 3-D, Code Ultra, Anti-terrorist Alert, the very top alert that can be declared. That means that attacks by Arab people from small sandy countries wearing turbans on their heads are eminent.
Feb 23, 2003
2003 Column Archives
NASA
To criticize the space program is like criticizing God. You run the risk of being called a heretic, disloyal, a coward, or even worse. In essence, technology has become a sort of god.
Feb 16, 2003
2003 Column Archives
My Car
My car is the one you always see doing 55 mph in the slow lane. The car that holds truckers with huge rigs to a reasonable speed (when they can’t pass). Boy they get angry. I can see the word “Peterbuilt,” smack up against my rear windshield.
Feb 9, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Sledgehammer
Mr. Bush. You hope that by chopping the head off the snake, that the snake (terrorism) will die. It won’t. The allusive terrorists will simply disperse... In the interim, you’re going to use overwhelming force, a "sledgehammer" to swat a fly, blunder around Iraq, bomb and kill people in the street.
Feb 1, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Un-Rael
A new Dr. Frankenstein naming himself Rael claims his group cloned the first human baby named Eve, with more imitation people to follow. The second, a boy, is to be named Bruno, programmed to eventually become the 350-pound tackle who can reverse the sagging fortunes of the Rams.
Jan 20, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Butt Not Bad
Call it whatever you will, butt, fanny, ass, keister, it’s a miracle of plumbing, given to you by God (yes, all you liberal pagans out there, there is a God). So, why do so many people consider this most useful appendage in negative terms?
Jan 13, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Bush Iraq Only Policy
North Korea believes that once President Bush has dispatched Iraq, they’re next to be gotten rid of. North Korea needn’t worry...
Jan 6, 2003
2003 Column Archives
Bush & Lott
Lott should be censored for making a bad joke and then acting like a coward afterward, but not for promoting racism. However, the whole disgusting, trivial incident begs the question...
Jan 1, 2003
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