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Last Updated: Apr 22nd, 2006 - 16:33:07 |
2001 Column Archives
Basic Fallacy
Newscaster superstar Tom Brokaw's book calling the World War II generation "The Greatest Generation" shows what a media elitist he is, even though he tries to portray himself as just an average "aw shucks" guy from the Midwest.
Dec 22, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Si So
This is a true story. I later found out it bears some resemblance to an old Jack Benny skit Benny did with Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny. A tiny politically correct newspaper refused to run this column, afraid that poking fun at language differences would offend.
Dec 16, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Femme Cops
I'll risk being called a Nazi sexist by openly stating the truth. Women, most of them, and it's to their everlasting credit seeing as how they're a civilizing influence, make lousy cops and soldiers.
Dec 1, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Mighty Monte
There was a cruel caste system in high school. At the top of a figurative Mount Olympus were the football players, and their golden-haired, Venus vixen consorts, the cheerleaders. Underneath were the bullies, guys who didn't play football, but who enjoyed slapping around smaller kids.
Nov 23, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Beggars Choosers
I was somewhat amused, though I have to be careful using the word amused in regard to a tragedy like this, to see Northern Alliance fighters in Afghanistan defy the wishes of President Bush by capturing the capital of Kabul.
Nov 18, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Militant Skating
I invented the skateboard. I apologize for the pain this has caused. How many shopping centers have had to post, "no skateboarding" signs? How many little old ladies exiting the grocery store had to jump out of the way.
Nov 8, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Holiday Sense
Last year at Christmas, I tried to access a mall parking lot to go shopping. A competing driver cut me off and gave me the finger. "You're not Currier & Ives," I yelled at him.
Oct 31, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Can't Communicate
My wife and I used to share mainly lust. Now, we share work and arguments. Maybe we need a vacation. The disagreements usually come on Sunday, when we're reading the paper, and I complain about the country.
Oct 21, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Big Swinger
If only you could live as one with nature, run around in a leopard-skin G-string, your godlike image on the silver screen ogled by millions of females. I attempted to make this reality...
Oct 12, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Hard Drive
Tom snaps. Tom didn't mean to snap. He loves his wife. He'll regret he was rude two minutes later. But he's on his way to work, as he puts it, "just like all the other robots in town." He's resentful.
Sep 28, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Spirited Boy
The blonde cherub made an evil scowl like Damien in one of those devil movies. He sucked in air. His fat little face exploded in a scream, an unearthly, piercing, horrendous yell.
Sep 19, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Clearly Bad
I wasn't going to join with every other columnist in commenting on the twin towers bombing. I wasn't going to mention the tragedy at all. However...
Sep 11, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Political Paralysis
Politicians shouldn't be blamed for everything wrong in the country, only about half of it. Of course, we truly do have some disreputable, crooked, lousy sonsofbitches in Congress who'd cheat their own mother out of fifty bucks if they thought they could.
Sep 6, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Yuppie Call
Wyatt Earp and his brother once ran a saloon in Prescott. I guarantee you if you walked into that tavern, and called the place Pres-kit, they'd throw you out through the bat-wing doors into the dirt street.
Aug 31, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Misplaced Pride
One of the oddities of modern life is the gay parade, an event supposedly intended to express pride in a particular sexual preference.
Aug 20, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Mounted Heads
A bizarre event I covered as a reporter was a big game hunting convention in Reno, Nevada. Two celebrities were there..
Aug 10, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Bench Sitters
Youth-league baseball coaches come in three types, those who play only their best nine players, those who sometimes use their bench-sitters, and those rare courageous souls who rotate players fairly.
Jul 9, 2001
2001 Column Archives
Fake Vets
Okay, so Saving Private Ryan was a good movie. I'm sure Hanks is well-intended, a nice guy and a talented actor. But his struggle to make it in Hollywood represents the opposite of what military service entails.
Jul 2, 2001
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